3 years ago today our family forever changed....we lost Matthew. It's hard to imagine that he would have been 15 in a week. As I sit here I wonder how he would have changed. I know he would be taller than me right now....he was up to my shoulders at 11. I can see hints of him in Justin now that Justin is getting older. It just hurts still so much not to have him here, not to hear his voice, see his smile, wrap my arms around him....

I love you Matthew and I know that you are with me always watching down over all of us. I still have a lot of anger towards the person who took us away from us but I am working on it. I know that you are safe in heaven and that one day we will be together.

**thanks to my good friend Lynda who made the above image for me :)

It seems like whenever I blog lately it is never good and I do apologize for that but I need a space where I can let the good and bad out.

Ben lost his job yesterday...I can't go into all of the details yet but if you could keep us in your prayers it would be much appreciated! It's scary walking down this path but somehow we will manage and I thank God that I am working.

Thanks for the prayers. She was released last Monday and went to the rehab in the nursing home. All of this past week she did not know who anyone was but knew our faces. She has been participating in therapy which is good. Yesterday my aunt in law from GA went to see her and spend the day with her, and she started complaining after her nap of shortness of breath, chest and stomach hurting along with her arm and back. Signs of a possible heart attack. The nurse called the doctor and the doctor said she needed to go to the ER especially with her history. We went down there and she had an EKG, chest xray and blood work. EKG and xray were fine. The blood work showed that her blood was way too thin. She is on a blood thinner and the doctor thinks that since she had been having stomach pain, it could be a sign of internal bleeding since her blood was so thin. She is off the blood thinner and is in the hospital overnight for observation. I had been working and was suppose to work 12 hours but my other nurse I work with stayed for me. I stayed to make sure she was settled in her room and left at 9 last night. I'm working today and will check on her.

Ben's uncle is out of the hospital and doing alittle bit better.

Time for work and thanks for the prayers

Prayers please

Ben's grandma is back in the hospital. Her confusion became worse and his aunt, the one who pops in and out, decided to take her and she was admitted. Me and Ben's cousin went down there and as soon as his aunt seen we were there she left! So we stayed with her in the ER until they had a room and made sure she was comfortable, had eaten and was sleeping before we left. She is on the same floor that I work and I'm working tonight so I'll be popping in and out checking on her. From what I can gather, the ones who don't live here are making decisions and not telling the ones who actually take care of her, that she will spend a few days on the floor then come to my end of the floor which is the rehab unit and spend 21 days there and then supposedly go home to GA with one of them. Ben's uncle is in ICU in a different hospital with pneumonia and had an irregular heartbeat. He is the uncle that lives close by to us. I know you all have had grandma in your prayers and we all so appreciate it and would love for it to continue and for Ben's uncle. This all just brings me back to 2006 when we lost 3 family members and I can see the fear in Ben's eyes.

A long 2 weeks!

2 days after Ben's grandma's birthday she ended up in the hospital. Ben and I go and check on her daily as does his aunt. She had bought groceries for her and took them over in the evening. She was really confused and did not know where she was or who Ben's aunt was. She tried calling us but we were both at work. She called an ambulance and thankfully she went to the hospital I worked at and it was towards the end of my shift. They ran tests on her and did not find anything. They thought at first it was a stroke but it wasn't. They did keep her for 2 days for observation and they think that she wasn't taking her meds like she should. She is now with home health, they come out 3 days a week and straighten up and give her a bath. Ben and I feed her breakfast, his aunt does lunch and we alternate dinner. We make sure she gets her meds. But it's sad because she is starting to get more confused. Yesterday we went over there and she had no idea who we were and I know that broke Ben's heart. I am about to blow a gasket with his family though. Not the ones that live around here because we all have been pitching in, there are 5 of us that take turns and we all work, but the ones that live about 2 hours away or for that matter 30 minutes and don't work but don't want to come down here to spend a weekend with her and just to help. I just don't get it. Please don't get me wrong, I would do anything for her and love her like she is my own grandma. I have known her for 19 years. Like Ben's aunt said, we all have full time jobs and the rest of them think that since we live close we can do everything. We'll manage. I just don't want something to happen and then they come down and blame all of us. I will go off! Yesterday his uncle and aunt from GA are suppose to come down tomorrow, not to help or visit but to plan her funeral! I can't even comment on that right now....

This week the kids have spring break. I'm suppose to be off this week but thankfully it has picked up at the hospital and we have a full house so I went in yesterday for some extra. Today Caitlin and I will be going to grandmas to do some cleaning and visit with her. Caitlin likes to go through the photo albums with her. Although grandma does not know who a lot of them are anymore....last year she could name them all. I think it does her some good though.

Thankful Thursday....

I'm thankful...
1. for my family
2. that work has picked up!
3. for the sunshine we have today...now it's time for yard work
4. that my mom will be here next month for Caitlin's graduation
5. for my friends

You would think that adults would be adults and quit acting like kids....I just don't get it! We went to Ben's grandma's house for her bday celebration. After we were done eating most of us were outside visiting and enjoying the sunshine. Ben's 2 cousins, both females, got into it in the driveway and before any of us knew it they were physically fighting with one another. One of them took the others keys and left. The other one called the police. I seriously think it's time to grow up and why do you have to behave this way especially at your grandma's?? Other than that it was a nice time!

We all went to church with her the next day so the first 3 pews were her family, not all of them, but it made her smile. The one cousin who started the fight was there and they had a good sermon about stupidity,lol! I really hope she listened.

So far my hours this week haven't been cut. I worked my usual day shift yesterday and today I will go in and work 3-11 pm. I think the manager finally realized that maybe instead of giving the hours to the prn that she will work it out so her full time help gets hours. I had no extra last week so my check will look pitiful but its better than nothing and I thank God I have a job. Hospital census is still really low so I am looking for a part time job for my off week. One of the nurses last week was cancelled and stated that she is going to look for something different and quit.

The weather does not feel like spring out there at all. I was going to plant some flowers but we have had 2 days of below freezing at night so I'm glad I didn't yet!

Have a great Tuesday and today is National Walking day so if you have a chance get out there and walk :)

Friday

It still feels weird not having to go to work at all during my off week. I have gotten a lot done and am praying that hospital census goes up on Monday when I go back.

I watched the finale of ER last night. I loved the retrospective they did before the finale. I have been an ER fan since day one and even the cast changed still loved it. I know that George Clooney was on a few weeks ago but was really hoping he would show back up again last night :) It will be missed!

We have sun today after a week of rain! Our grass is so tall and I'm hoping there is enough sun that I can at least later today and mow around the house. There is no way I can in the lower areas, way too wet!

When Ben gets home from work we are going to his grandmas house to help her get ready for tomorrow. She has a couple of tables she wants cleaned off.

TGIF :)