3 years ago today our family forever changed....we lost Matthew. It's hard to imagine that he would have been 15 in a week. As I sit here I wonder how he would have changed. I know he would be taller than me right now....he was up to my shoulders at 11. I can see hints of him in Justin now that Justin is getting older. It just hurts still so much not to have him here, not to hear his voice, see his smile, wrap my arms around him....

I love you Matthew and I know that you are with me always watching down over all of us. I still have a lot of anger towards the person who took us away from us but I am working on it. I know that you are safe in heaven and that one day we will be together.

**thanks to my good friend Lynda who made the above image for me :)

It seems like whenever I blog lately it is never good and I do apologize for that but I need a space where I can let the good and bad out.

Ben lost his job yesterday...I can't go into all of the details yet but if you could keep us in your prayers it would be much appreciated! It's scary walking down this path but somehow we will manage and I thank God that I am working.

Thanks for the prayers. She was released last Monday and went to the rehab in the nursing home. All of this past week she did not know who anyone was but knew our faces. She has been participating in therapy which is good. Yesterday my aunt in law from GA went to see her and spend the day with her, and she started complaining after her nap of shortness of breath, chest and stomach hurting along with her arm and back. Signs of a possible heart attack. The nurse called the doctor and the doctor said she needed to go to the ER especially with her history. We went down there and she had an EKG, chest xray and blood work. EKG and xray were fine. The blood work showed that her blood was way too thin. She is on a blood thinner and the doctor thinks that since she had been having stomach pain, it could be a sign of internal bleeding since her blood was so thin. She is off the blood thinner and is in the hospital overnight for observation. I had been working and was suppose to work 12 hours but my other nurse I work with stayed for me. I stayed to make sure she was settled in her room and left at 9 last night. I'm working today and will check on her.

Ben's uncle is out of the hospital and doing alittle bit better.

Time for work and thanks for the prayers

Prayers please

Ben's grandma is back in the hospital. Her confusion became worse and his aunt, the one who pops in and out, decided to take her and she was admitted. Me and Ben's cousin went down there and as soon as his aunt seen we were there she left! So we stayed with her in the ER until they had a room and made sure she was comfortable, had eaten and was sleeping before we left. She is on the same floor that I work and I'm working tonight so I'll be popping in and out checking on her. From what I can gather, the ones who don't live here are making decisions and not telling the ones who actually take care of her, that she will spend a few days on the floor then come to my end of the floor which is the rehab unit and spend 21 days there and then supposedly go home to GA with one of them. Ben's uncle is in ICU in a different hospital with pneumonia and had an irregular heartbeat. He is the uncle that lives close by to us. I know you all have had grandma in your prayers and we all so appreciate it and would love for it to continue and for Ben's uncle. This all just brings me back to 2006 when we lost 3 family members and I can see the fear in Ben's eyes.

A long 2 weeks!

2 days after Ben's grandma's birthday she ended up in the hospital. Ben and I go and check on her daily as does his aunt. She had bought groceries for her and took them over in the evening. She was really confused and did not know where she was or who Ben's aunt was. She tried calling us but we were both at work. She called an ambulance and thankfully she went to the hospital I worked at and it was towards the end of my shift. They ran tests on her and did not find anything. They thought at first it was a stroke but it wasn't. They did keep her for 2 days for observation and they think that she wasn't taking her meds like she should. She is now with home health, they come out 3 days a week and straighten up and give her a bath. Ben and I feed her breakfast, his aunt does lunch and we alternate dinner. We make sure she gets her meds. But it's sad because she is starting to get more confused. Yesterday we went over there and she had no idea who we were and I know that broke Ben's heart. I am about to blow a gasket with his family though. Not the ones that live around here because we all have been pitching in, there are 5 of us that take turns and we all work, but the ones that live about 2 hours away or for that matter 30 minutes and don't work but don't want to come down here to spend a weekend with her and just to help. I just don't get it. Please don't get me wrong, I would do anything for her and love her like she is my own grandma. I have known her for 19 years. Like Ben's aunt said, we all have full time jobs and the rest of them think that since we live close we can do everything. We'll manage. I just don't want something to happen and then they come down and blame all of us. I will go off! Yesterday his uncle and aunt from GA are suppose to come down tomorrow, not to help or visit but to plan her funeral! I can't even comment on that right now....

This week the kids have spring break. I'm suppose to be off this week but thankfully it has picked up at the hospital and we have a full house so I went in yesterday for some extra. Today Caitlin and I will be going to grandmas to do some cleaning and visit with her. Caitlin likes to go through the photo albums with her. Although grandma does not know who a lot of them are anymore....last year she could name them all. I think it does her some good though.

Thankful Thursday....

I'm thankful...
1. for my family
2. that work has picked up!
3. for the sunshine we have today...now it's time for yard work
4. that my mom will be here next month for Caitlin's graduation
5. for my friends

You would think that adults would be adults and quit acting like kids....I just don't get it! We went to Ben's grandma's house for her bday celebration. After we were done eating most of us were outside visiting and enjoying the sunshine. Ben's 2 cousins, both females, got into it in the driveway and before any of us knew it they were physically fighting with one another. One of them took the others keys and left. The other one called the police. I seriously think it's time to grow up and why do you have to behave this way especially at your grandma's?? Other than that it was a nice time!

We all went to church with her the next day so the first 3 pews were her family, not all of them, but it made her smile. The one cousin who started the fight was there and they had a good sermon about stupidity,lol! I really hope she listened.

So far my hours this week haven't been cut. I worked my usual day shift yesterday and today I will go in and work 3-11 pm. I think the manager finally realized that maybe instead of giving the hours to the prn that she will work it out so her full time help gets hours. I had no extra last week so my check will look pitiful but its better than nothing and I thank God I have a job. Hospital census is still really low so I am looking for a part time job for my off week. One of the nurses last week was cancelled and stated that she is going to look for something different and quit.

The weather does not feel like spring out there at all. I was going to plant some flowers but we have had 2 days of below freezing at night so I'm glad I didn't yet!

Have a great Tuesday and today is National Walking day so if you have a chance get out there and walk :)

Friday

It still feels weird not having to go to work at all during my off week. I have gotten a lot done and am praying that hospital census goes up on Monday when I go back.

I watched the finale of ER last night. I loved the retrospective they did before the finale. I have been an ER fan since day one and even the cast changed still loved it. I know that George Clooney was on a few weeks ago but was really hoping he would show back up again last night :) It will be missed!

We have sun today after a week of rain! Our grass is so tall and I'm hoping there is enough sun that I can at least later today and mow around the house. There is no way I can in the lower areas, way too wet!

When Ben gets home from work we are going to his grandmas house to help her get ready for tomorrow. She has a couple of tables she wants cleaned off.

TGIF :)

Thankful Thursday

Here is a pic of our baby chicks. A total of 53. I guess since we are out in the country we are going to have a mini farm! lol They are cute though and the kids love them.

I'm thankful....

1. that I still have a job - hospital census is down so that means our unit, TCU/rehab is down. Instead of our usual 30 patients we have been down to 14-19 which means we have been taking turns being cancelled and I didn't get any extra hours this week. A full week off which is good in a way, I think I needed it but alittle scary. Praying that census goes back up when I go back in on Monday.

2. for the rain we have been getting and so far no flooding!

3. that we are suppose to have sunshine this week.

4. for my kids and Ben

5. for Mocha who always greets me with puppy kisses and tail wagging :)

I have been productive with this week off. I was suppose to go in Monday and this morning but was cancelled. I rearranged my kitchen, the dishes so hopefully it will work better now. Yesterday I touched up Justin's room. Still need to find some border for it. It's hard to find border for a 11 year old boys room! Today I am going to attempt to organize our extra bedroom. Right now its a catch all for everything so need to go through and do the goodwill thing.

Saturday is Ben's grandmas 91st birthday! A lot of the family will be at her house for lunch so it should be fun. I'm going to make a coconut cream cake :)

We really need to mow but it's so wet. They are having flooding along the gulf coast here. Our yard is so soggy but thankfully no flooding yet!

Have a great rest of the week and Happy April.

Almost forgot!

Special thanks to Julie for my wonderful background on here :)

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful....

1. for all of my online friends....thank you for the words of encouragement and prayers when I need them the most!

2. that Caitlin made it safely to B'ham for a Beta convention...she will be home tomorrow and is really having a great time :)

3. that the sun is shining and I'm off today!

4. that I'm finally getting the kitchen retouched and should be done today with it.

5. for my family and friends!

When the rain stops and the sun shines you can really tell what needs to be done outside. Now it is too wet to do anything but maybe this weekend we can get a few things done outdoors. The sun sure feels good though! It even improved my mood a bit :)

Ben's grandma will be having her 91st birthday the first weekend in April. They always have a big get together. Last year they had it at the church and had it catered. Everyone was really disappointed in the menu or should we say lack of, including his grandma. Now since we are here and have a huge yard they all want to have it at our house so I'm trying to get the little things that we have been putting off done. Also have Caitlin's graduation/bday party in June and Mom coming down the end of May so between work and everyday things it should be interesting to see how much I get accomplished!

This is my week off...but we all know how that goes! I did work Monday, which put me at 8 days in a row and I'll be going in tomorrow. Not giving up my weekend! I'm thankful for the job and the extra hours.

Ben had another appointment at the VA this past week and I was able to go with him. All I can say is MEN! He has borderline high B/P and guess who hasn't been taking his meds?? So tomorrow on my way into work I am stopping by CVS and getting a B/P monitor so he or should I say me, will be taking it once a day and keeping track of it. He went in for his sinusitis issues. He has been having sinus problems ever since Desert Storm with those burning oil wells and other deployments. It's funny how after he is out they want to treat everything....kinda makes you wonder but at least he is getting things taken care of. Better late than never! Now that we have insurance I need to make an appt. to get a head to toe checkup.

I think the paint is drying in the kitchen so I need to touch up around the microwave. Have a great Thursday and Happy Spring tomorrow :)

Needing to get it out

Everyday is hard but I guess since we are coming up on the 3 year mark of losing Matthew it's getting harder. There are days I really do think I am losing it and you know I've been told that it will get easier but it doesn't. I'm still mad and I think a part of me always will be. I want to forgive...thinking that maybe if I do it will get easier...but I can't. It's just not fair. You can't run away from it, its there always. Somedays are easier than others.

Another week...random thoughts

I worked my 7 in a row and will be going in later this afternoon for my 8th day....yes I must be crazy!

It's been raining here most of the weekend...the type of rain that makes you want to curl back in bed and take a nap.

Things are starting to green up...that means mowing season is right around the corner :)

I have 2 weeks to get this house in order and organized. The first week of April is Ben's grandma's 91st birthday and the family always goes to her house to celebrate. Apparently this year they all want to come over here!

Ben has another appointment at the VA about his PTSD so we will see. We go tomorrow afternoon.

Twilight comes out on DVD saturday, woooo!

Yes feeling very random today...it's Monday :)

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful...

1. for all the prayers and thoughts yesterday...thank you all!

2. that tomorrow is Friday and I don't have to work :)

3. for the sun and warmer weather

4. for my family

5. that we live in Alabama...beautiful place!

This was suppose to be my off week...I went in yesterday and will go into today working 2nd shift. I'm not answering my phone this weekend...we won't be home anyway. We are taking Caitlin to visit Judson college in Marion, AL. She has been accepted there and we are going to go check it out. We will be leaving tomorrow evening and stay in a hotel and then be at the college for most of the day Saturday. It's hard to say that my daughter will be in college this next year! It's a good school from what I hear...christian and all girls. Of course they have a military academy across the street,lol.

I'm tired...I know it has to do with all these hours I have been working. They are still so short. I haven't been sleeping well at night again. I really want to go back to school and get my RN but not sure how to swing that with work but somehow it will come together. It will be a few more months before I can do anything like that. I have some core classes to take and I can do that online.

I was summoned for Jury duty!! I have never been before and made the comment just the other day that I hadn't. Should have known better! But I was reading it and it states you have to have lived in your county for a year and I have only been here 9 months. I'll be calling to find out!

Have a great Thankful Thursday and thanks again for the wonderful comments yesterday :)

Funky mood

I've been in a funk of some sort this past week and can't seem to shake it. Poor Ben has been awesome and trying to pull me out. I'm slowly getting there. I don't know if the snow had anything to do with it. It was beautiful watching it fall at work over the weekend and knowing that my kids were outside playing in it. I guess I got homesick for Kansas, haven't done that in a while, and also knowing that Matthew would have LOVED it. I remember when we lived in TX and we had about an inch of snow. That was the first time Caitlin and Matthew ever seen it. Justin was 1 and don't remember it so this was his first snowfall. In TX we had to rake the snow off the cars hoods to have a snowball fight and I can still hear the laughter from the 2 of them. It's just hard....

Knowing that in another 2 months it will be 3 years is just unbelievable. The hurt never disappears.

Snow in March!

March certainly came in like a lion....2 days before we had tornado warnings and sirens going off. Had some damage a few miles from us but luckily nothing here. I was working at the time so we had to get all of the patients out into the halls....that was fun! Yesterday morning woke up to snow! Nothing like I had growing up in Kansas, but I hadn't seen snow in years and Justin never had. Of course I had to go to work and missed his reaction but did call and he was so excited :) Caitlin took some pics for me so I'll post when I get a chance. The drive to work was really pretty though. Justin and Caitlin had snowball fights throughout the day,lol. We ended up with about 3-4 inches here. At one point it was snowing so hard they closed all of the major roads and we all thought we were going to have to stay at the hospital for awhile after our shift ended but in the afternoon the sun came out and it stopped. We're suppose to get 70 degree weather later in the week....crazy!

I worked my 7 in a row so I'm suppose to have this week off but will be going in Wed and Thur. They are still short staffed and I did work two 12 hour shifts last week. No more doubles for me! They have all of these prn people but they want to pick and choose and when they get called to come in don't want too. Or they just don't show up!

The kids have off today because of the snow. The roads are bad this morning as well. Ben works off this morning so we will all be home :) I do have some things I want to get done around here but thinking today will be a free day for us all :)

I hope you all have a great Monday! Thanks to Julie for my beautiful background on here :)

Thankful Thursday

Forrester Park in Savannah, 2005

I'm thankful...

1. for my family
2. that we didn't have any tornadoes last night
3. for coffee!

4. that I love what I do

5. for my friends and for journaling!

This week is my off week but I went in last night and will go in tonight and work 3-11 pm. She had called me and wanted me to work Mon. days but there was no way I could do 8 in a row. I was so tired! I was talking to another nurse last night and we don't understand what happened to all of these people who complain that they don't get any extra hours but when they are called they say no. It's probably because they want to pick the hours and don't want to be called. This was the first time I ever turned her down and I did feel bad about it but I was so tired after last week. We've been getting a lot of acute critical patients on our rehab unit and it's constant from the time your feet hit the floor until you leave. I do love it though!

Ben and I both have this weekend off together and will be going out to dinner Saturday for our belated Valentines. We've both been hungry for seafood...Savannah spoiled us with all those amazing resturants. So I'm going to do a search for the Birmingham area and see what I can find. We also got shelving so we'll be putting up shelves in our computer room and I'm excited about that. It's the little things in life,lol.

Justin finished up a project for Social Studies. He had to do a poster on Pearl Harbor and it turned out good :) He really likes old history and gets animated when he is talking about the wars back then.

Well I think I'll try and get alittle rest before work....I only had a few hours sleep last night. Woke up with an awful leg cramp.

Have a great Thursday!

Tired....

I hope that you all had a good Valentines! This was my 7 to work and after today I will have put in 80 hours in one week. I worked a couple of doubles and a 12 today. Not doing doubles anymore! Ben and I both worked this weekend so we are going to celebrate Valentines next weekend when we are off. He did buy me the sweetest cards though :) Caitlin made dinner last night so that was a bonus!

I've been down again or maybe still. It seems neverending at times. I'm so grateful/thankful for what I have and for my family but there will always be a part missing....

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful...

1. that we have a fireplace....the low this morning was 13!!

2. for the beautiful sunshine

3. that I have been off this week :)

4. that we are almost caught up with bills...it was rough for awhile when we both were briefly out of work but it's getting better!

5. that are taxes are done

6. for Ben, my kids and all of you!

Today I get to drive Ben to Tuscusloosa, I know I spelled that wrong, for a mental eval to see if he qualifies to add PTSD to his disability. If he does, which he has been deployed overseas to "hotspots" and wars numerous times, then he goes from 60 percent to 100 percent disabled. He'll still be able to work if he wants but it will definately help and frankly all the time he put in and how they treated him the last couple of years he deserves it. It really makes me upset how all the servicemen and women are treated after they have served their country. Ok, I won't start on that rant right now! God bless them all though! We'll be going to the other side of Birmingham so it's a good hour and a half drive from here and he works tonight.

It feels really weird not to go into work on my off week but I"m not complaining. I will make up for it next week :( I'm just glad that I am employed AND I like what I do.

You all have a great Thankful Thursday :)

Getting there!

I'm finally getting there with the blog, trying to make changes to it and still needing to add some stuff but it's getting there slowly. I did add a couple of pics :)

It is cold here....probably not as cold as some of you are but its 18 right now and thats a bit chilly for here. The low tonight is suppose to be 17. I miss the beach! lol

I have to be honest, I had a whole bunch of small stuff I wanted to get taken care of inside the house and I haven't done any of it. It has felt good to get some laundry done and cook but thats about all I have accomplished. I just need a few small things that I have put off doing like putting the border up in the kids bathroom, finishing trimming out Justin's closet and painting it, rearranging some of my dishes in the kitchen. I will get motivated....maybe! lol

There is something else I have missed...my Thankful Thursdays....so look out for that :)

Have a great and warm day!

Last week I worked my 7 which included two 12 hour shifts...this week I have off :) When I go back I will work 2 doubles...yes I'm tired.

It's been raining here most of the day but the sun is trying to come out now. We might be getting snow flurries tomorrow. The kids are more excited about that than I am,lol.

I'm trying to figure out how to put pics up here.

I'll write more later, take care :)

We now have cable/internet service as of today!! It's the little things in life :) I will be posting more later and coming around your blogs soon :)

Happy belated holidays to you all and thanks for the bday wishes last month :)
Things are busier than ever. Work is busy...which is good but they are still short on nurses so I get called in a lot on my off week. Makes for a good check but getting tired...not complaining though! My sis in law got layed off her job...she made parts for the Honda plant and they are all cutting back now. Ben's grandma hasn't been doing too well so we've been trying to keep an extra eye on her. She fell last week, thank goodness nothing broken!

We had really warm temps but that is changing now. We are getting a cold spell...lows in the teens!

I called about cable and internet and they had to come down to make sure we had serviceability...which I know we do since there are others on our road who have it but since we live out in the boonies :) I'm giving them a call back tommorrow.

I miss you all and hope you all are doing well.